“Find someone who knows you’re not perfect but treats you as if you are.”
People often ask why I’m single and they find it difficult to believe I’ve only experienced one relationship (four and a half years) in my adult life. They believe my bubbly personality and decent looks are enough to not be single. Although those are more than enough alone, it’s beyond deeper than that.
The truth is, I’m single because I choose to be. Yes, I could have been in numerous relationships and either would have been successful today had I taken the time to put in the effort. But, I didn’t want to put forth the effort. Most of my reasoning was due to my mental illnesses.
With major depression just as I randomly lose interest in my lifelong hobbies or my jobs, I randomly lose interest in people. Don’t get me wrong, I have came across some pretty amazing men previously and currently. I just didn’t want to waste their time or mine.
I do believe that some of my mindset when dealing with men was pretty selfish in a way. Because I knew (or at least I thought I knew) there could have been a slight chance I got irritated with them easily therefore, I chose to not put them through the “troubles”. I could have at least tried but then what were the chances of my sudden mood swings not affecting my relationship? I just saved us all the headache. *Shoulder shrugs*
A lot of people are dumbfounded to mental illnesses and they can’t quite grasp what, “I need my space” means. I’m not always going to want to answer my phone to talk to people. I’m not always going to want to be bothered with people. I’m not always going to want to leave my bed. I’m not always going to want to hangout or whatever else. And most of the time that is hard for people to understand.
Don’t get me wrong, I’d be a pretty amazing significant other when I’m not experiencing my down moments– I’m confident. The men I socialize myself with know that as well. But again, I’m single because I choose to be. I just love being “free” and clear minded of relationship stress. I also most certainly love not having to answer to anyone but my damn self!
I’m just not like other women who desire to be in a relationship either. I don’t have dreams of wanting to be married or have children. That stuff is just overrated to me. Could it be my mental illnesses that causes me to feel this way? Possibly but I’ve felt this way for years so maybe not…
For me to have a successful relationship at this point in my life, my significant other has to be well educated with my various types of mental illnesses. He would have to be understanding and accepting of my symptoms. He would need to be supporting, encouraging, motivational, and patient with me. He would also need to realize that although I may push him away at times, it isn’t anything personal. It’s just me.
Pushing people away is something I’ll admit I need to improve when it comes to my personal and dating life. But that also falls in place with me wanting to be accepted and not judged for my mental illnesses. Before I didn’t make those flaws known and people never understood my reasoning for being distant. Now, since I’m becoming more vocal and outspoken about my mental health, it makes things a lot easier. People are more comprehensive than I expected.
As of right now, I am still currently single but I do have a special someone in my life. He is amazing to me and very understanding of my mental illnesses. Although I just now seriously begin “cracking the shell” about my mental health, I’m sure everything will work out for the better in the long run ♥♥♥.