“Never let a stumble in the road be the end of your journey”
Opening up about my mental health is probably one of the best things I could have ever done.
Before I use to fear about what others would think of me. I didn’t want to be seen as a “crazy” or “psycho” person because of my struggles. I didn’t want to be judged for my depressing and emotional feelings about life. I didn’t want to need “help”.
I always knew in my heart and mind that I was different from everyone else. I just knew and had a strong feeling of it. I always knew that no one would be able to see or understand life from my perspective. And all of this begin at a very young age (single digits). I knew it.
I know for a fact that my issues begin before I could even understand life itself. Of course, I’d never be able to address these issues until later when I became older. But by then, it was too late unfortunately. I often feel I’d be in a much better place within myself, my mental health, and life had I been more open with certain situations.
I mean yes, my parents did get me into counseling when I was in middle school but at that age I couldn’t really say exactly how I was feeling. It was hard to be able to speak the truth about everything I was going through. I wouldn’t have even known where to begin. So therefore, I stayed silent and kept to myself about a lot.
My first suicide attempt happened in the seventh grade and it was then I confirmed something was “wrong” with me. But was something really wrong with me or was it the situation I was in that got me to that point? That is the question I’ve always asked myself for years. Today I know it’s always been the situation I was in.
I was always called “crazy” but I wasn’t crazy, I was mentally ill. I suffered from suicidal thoughts and attempts constantly. I would binge after eating to “starve” myself most days. I even cut myself on my thighs and arms for years hoping to end it all. I was in dark place at a young age and no one ever realized it….
…Until it was too late.
As I got older I noticed a change in my feelings about life itself. I begin to speak up more and understand things clearly. I knew I didn’t belong here and I didn’t want to be here. But for some reason suicide was frowned upon. It was considered an act of selfishness but I beg to differ.
Why should one have to suffer in a world when they can have peacefulness? That is something I still don’t understand today. Yes, people tend to miss you and get heartbroken but everyone has to go someday and that was always my motto of life (along with “Live A Little”) as I aged.
Would you rather accept the idea of one of your loved ones killed by the hands of someone else or themselves? And we could argue death by natural causes but what are the chances?
Although I can count on two hands all of my suicide attempts, they were never really a “go to” option. They have always been the very last option. At times I often wish I had succeeded and other times I’m not so sure. Some see it as a “second chance” at life but most of the time I see my attempts as failures.
Sure I can see numerous therapists and psychiatrists over and over again, get prescribed just about every single antidepressant and mood suppressant the world has to offer but is that really helping me? Maybe to an extent but honestly, the feeling of being suicidal is one that can’t be predicted. It just happens.
I can say, being more open and becoming educated about my illnesses has helped me to understand a huge amount about myself and my horrible feelings. It has also revealed more of my friends or strangers going through similar illnesses. They’re like me and don’t know where to begin but I give them time and then we’re soon able to uplift each other.
Mental illness is something that a lot of people are afraid to come out about and most of the time that is why they commit suicide. They want to believe they can fight the battle alone. They don’t want to be seen as having “mental issues“. They want to be “normal” like everyone else. And although it took me years to realize it, it is okay to have a mental illness. It is okay to seek professional treatment. It is okay to not be perfect. It is okay to step out of the darkness and into the light.