Year “Two-Six”

“Because I’m learning to be more open about my life struggles with Major Depression. To those who are having a hard time with accepting or maybe even identifying it, you are not alone.”

-CeeandtheHoot

One of the worst feelings in the world is waking up and wishing you hadn’t. Or going to sleep and hoping to never wake up again. Not being able to go to sleep with a shit ton of tossing and turning and tears because you can’t sleep and want to so fucking badddd! Being hungry but having absolutely no appetite. Feeling sick to your stomach for no apparent reason at all. Not being able to accept your appearance due to feeling ugly or unwanted. And let’s not forget the random outbursts of tears and having no clue why. That’s just to list a few and some may think it sounds bizarre but this is my life and seems almost impossible to escape from.

I don’t ever try to feel this way, it just happens. No matter how much I try to look at the brighter side of waking up, my thoughts just seem to “takeover” and think otherwise. But why do I feel this way and how can I make it better? Sadly, there is no absolute correct answer in my opinion.

Here it is the first day of my “Year Two-Six” and I should be excited about my new chapter of life but I’m not. I chose to not celebrate my birthday today and many seem confused about my decision. I mean who wouldn’t want to be celebrating another year of life right?

I just honestly don’t feel as though there is anything I have to be celebrating about. And it isn’t me being “hard” on myself but me actually being REALISTIC about shit. Here I am, now twenty-six years old and almost nothing to show for.

Now don’t get me wrong, for years I’ve always had good things going for myself but due to depression- shit just keeps getting more horrible by the day it seems and I’m just tired. I’m tired, I’m tired, I’m tired. Definitely tired of being such an immaculate hard worker but the harder I work I feel like I’m doing nothing but taking a billion and one steps backwards instead of forward. Like when the fuck is my hard work going to pay off?! And I’m not talking work related but LIFE in general!

I’m mainly tired of having to worry about what will go wrong next but honestly, things seem so fucked up to me that I don’t think shit can get any worse. And of course, to others my life isn’t “that bad” but ha! If only my shoes were on their feet- they’d be saying otherwise! Everyone just always assume I’m doing so well because of my “obvious happiness” and upkeep. But deep down inside I’m a fucking MESS!

One reason I’m so depressed is because I’m just so lost in life and feel like I’ll never find my way back. I don’t feel like I have a purpose to be here and IF I do I damn sure haven’t figured it out yet. And of course, I know I never will. But hey, all I can continue to do is attempt to stay focused on bettering everything going wrong.

I must say I’m grateful for the few people in my life who keep me levelheaded. Without them I’d be even more of a wreck than now. My PARENTS, SIBLINGS, GRANDPA, close cousins, handful of friends, psychiatrist, and therapists have been nothing but understanding and such a great support system!

The sad part is, even with all of the support I have, I still feel so fucked up and that is one of the hardest things about my life. I don’t want to be this way, it just happens and that is the part I can not control when it comes to depression. All I can do is push, push, push, and just hope that someday all of these horrible feelings seize and then I’ll finally be able to see the light at the end of the tunnel.

I’m so sick I can’t even focus on my passion for photography, crafting, interior design and now blogging. Things I’ve loved for years and hope to still someday become successful in! I didn’t ask for this but I most definitely try my best to overcome this part of my life.

Depression is my life and I’m confident that one day it will “dissolve” and I will be able to understand its purpose in my life. When I do I will accept it for what it was because it has done nothing but made me a better person.

It is hard, it is a struggle, it is sickening, it is unbearable, it is painful, it is draining, it is powerful- BUT I’m confident it can be healed within a matter a time! And once that time is up, life will be great. Life will be what it is meant to be…a lesson (apparently). 

Until then, I will continue to “Live A Little” as best as possible (-: 

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