My Life

Being Free

“Never let a stumble in the road be the end of your journey” -Unknown


Sometimes in life things are not all that they appear to be. People may appear to be happy but they aren’t. They may seem as though they have their shit together but they don’t. They may even appear to be healthy but they’re not. You can just never tell these days. Some people don’t even have a good support system when trying to make things look “good” and I applaud them for that. But just how much can one take in life before they decide to give up? And by “give up” I mean committing suicide or at least attempting to do so.

I can be honest and say that it takes a lot to get to that level in life. For many it’s hard to understand why or how people get to the point to where they want to take their own life. Sometimes the feeling is absolutely unexplainable and it just happens. Or people like myself just let things build up and up until they explode and that isn’t healthy. Even with my support system being immaculate and encouraging, I still have issues dealing with a lot. But I guess most of it is due to me not wanting to be worrisome or needy. No matter how easy it may be to just ask for simple help- to me it’s just hard and I can’t explain why especially when my parents constantly encourage me to speak up.

A smile on the outside but not the inside.
Taken at work the day before my wreck.

The feeling of being hopeless and feeling at the lowest of low in life is a horrible feeling. Because I’m so outspoken and always bubbly about everything- people never expect for anything to be wrong with me. They always seem shocked and can’t understand my actions or thoughts. I mean we are all different with opposed views on life and everything else. As I always say, you can’t expect everyone to be able to handle situations the way you would. You can’t expect everyone to be able to just brush something off as you would. It just doesn’t work that way! No one just wakes up and say, “Oh, I’m just going to go out and kill myself today”. I mean some people may plan it out but there’s others who just can’t take it anymore and act without hesitation.

I have made many attempts and was close in May of 2016. For some reason the mid beginning of the year is always rough for me. I just can’t explain it but it has been this way for years. My last attempt at suicide was exactly a year ago today, April 23rd, 2017 at 1:18am. After an argument and a few drinks with a family member, I decided to take off out of anger. I was experiencing an anxiety attack and decided to pull over on the side of the road. I developed anxiety in October 2016 after a car accident from someone hitting me at a red light. Anxiety or panic attacks are the worst feelings in the world. It’s a feeling that is so unbearable! Your whole body just shuts down, your face is numb, your fingers are numb, you’re trembling, you can barely breathe, you can barely open your mouth to speak- it’s just a horrible feeling!

That night I no longer wanted to feel that way ever again. I wanted to be free from anxiety attacks, I wanted to be free from depression, I wanted to be free from everything leading to that moment and the days prior. I just wanted to be free! I just so happened to have a bottle of NyQuil in my glovebox and I knew it was time. I drink a significant amount of the syrup and waited a minute to calm down. I headed towards the interstate and begin to speed. I cried and cried because I was scared. I texted about four close friends and let them know I was going to wreck my car. I posted on my Facebook page and made a status that I eventually deleted afterwards. I even recorded myself speeding at 132 miles per hour. The speedometer in my car is off by twelve but it read 120 so I knew I was flying. Because it was raining that late night early morning and my tires were bad, I knew that my car could easily hydroplane and therefore that made it easier to wreck. When the time came, I made sure that I sped past all of the cars in the same direction (because I would never put anyone else’s life in jeopardy) and closed my eyes.

April 23rd, 2017
I ended in the median of the highway.

I closed my eyes tight, shook the wheel left and right while holding it tight, put my head back and swerved hard to the right so that I could collide into the guardrail. The whole entire time I kept my eyes closed until I came to a complete stop. I hated myself because I failed but as they say, it wasn’t my “time to go”. I never told anyone my goal for the night, the police officers just assumed I was drunk and lost control of my car. It wasn’t until September 27th, 2017 when they finally found out I attempted suicide and they apologized for being so harsh towards me that night. Anxiety attacks give you the same effect as being drunk- slurred speech, not being able to function properly, etc. For my actions I was charged with a DUI but had I been honest from the beginning, it probably wouldn’t exist today.

People always ask me do I regret wrecking my car and my answer will always be, “NO!” I don’t regret anything I do in life because if I did it, it was for a reason. Everything was so overwhelming and I did what I thought was best for me. I will say one part of me is thankful that I’m still here today because I never want my family to hurt because of me. Today I still deal with anxiety and things do continue to get overwhelming but I’m working to handle certain situations better. Being around and meeting complete strangers who want the best for you and your well-being is also uplifting. Not everyone can relate to the situation so I feel like opening up about it is the best choice. By opening up you’ll be able to get the help and support you need and may have been missing. Some are understanding and some aren’t but you’ll never know until you speak up. Don’t worry about judgement because they don’t matter!




8 thoughts on “Being Free

  1. Good Morning Love,
    I had no idea things had gotten bad for you. I, for one, am glad you are still here! You are a beautiful person inside and out and the world would mourn the Lost of such a beautiful soul. Thank you for sharing.

    Liked by 1 person

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